I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
