I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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