Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
