I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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