Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
