I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
