R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
