I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
