I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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