Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
