Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize
