So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
