she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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