Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
