things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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