Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
