He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm way too hungover for life right now
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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