Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
