when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
