I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
