is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
