Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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