can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
