I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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