I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
