Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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