just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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