I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
