how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
