Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
