Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
