i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
