drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
