So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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