Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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