I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
even my farts smell like vagina
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
