I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
