I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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