i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
