She is in my trunk
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
