I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
