I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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