my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
