I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
