dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
