One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
