I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
