i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
