Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
