i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
