Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
