Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
